I WENT INTO ONE in the supermarket this afternoon. My nasty low mood mixed itself into something far funkier. Among the luxury bakery products, I was chuckling away to myself; then by the time I'd reached the fresh veg isle, I had to restrain myself from weeping all over the chilled raddishes. Gradually the depression faded out, and I'm still OK now. Gattina said I should relabel my blog "diary of a rollercoaster". That's how I feel. Alive again. With depression out the window. I just hope I can sustain this into tomorrow.
I bumped into a drunken Irishman I used to know. Last time I met him it was first thing Monday morning. He was vomiting into the gutter. My skin was crawling and I was trying to keep it together to just get home and prong the **** into me to feel OK again. A case of desperation shared being a desperation doubled. Today, he made me laugh and laugh. We debated the trials and traumas of crack-ho girlfriends. I described the grossness of "stirring the porridge". We high-fived over that one. 
He was bemoaning the loss of his ex-girlfriend of fifteen years, who'd suddenly run off without warning with a random black man. I told him how surprised I was, as they'd made such a good couple. I didn't tell him that, stoned off her head on gear, his ex girlfriend looked like one of Jim Henson's Muppets. He told me I was looking really well because I'm rosy cheeked and have put weight on. I couldn't actually return the compliment because he was all over the place on drink and Valium and his teeth were in a dreadful state. He said he'd been off drugs for six months. "'Cept when someone like you brings round an Arfur..." (that's a half a sixteenth; about 0.875g) of crack. Except he couldn't consider crack without drink and Valium and a good dose of brown, "coz it puts your head all over the place".Well I let myself down yet again. Yes, heroin. Yes again. Yes I'm bored. Bored and disappointed and wondering why why why why why? Again. Dealer gave me two £15 bags for £20. He'd kept me waiting for quite some time. I'd been so entertained I'd barely noticed.
I feel like such an idiot for using gear. Half of me wanted to lie here, evade the matter or post up something irrelevant and distracting. I feel like a weakling and a hypocrite for having given in to a momentary craving when I was feeling fine anyway. The gear has barely altered my mood. It didn't need altering. I was fine already. I won't ever accept excuses from myself for using heroin: but today I'm absolutely stumped as to why I did it. This is yet another day longer in active addiction. Active addiction is misery to look back on. It's ruined my life. I want out. Despite what I've done, I still want out.
The stark reality of Rehab is staring me in the face ~ yet again. Unless I can kick in this habit, the habit of injecting street heroin when I have ample methadone to cover myself. I can't see any other choice. Unless I can pull myself together there's no choice I can conceive of.I just hope I can say this is the last of this depression. It's been dogging me now for weeks. Using heroin on top of it only made me more miserable. Chemistry aside: being a drug addict is a miseralbe life. All I want now is to leave it behind. It's gonna take all my strength to do it.
let's goa way
laughing Buddha: tapu
exalted!
hardtechno anthem
5 comments:
That determination will see you through. You slipped, but you can start again to go clean.
And as the Daily Sun can attest almost anyone can be addicted.
Yesterday on the news they showed a beautiful twelve year old girl who was blinded after being hit by a car, the driver was a person addicted to pain killers.
Sad.
Please keep trying.
Janice~
Blinded after being hit by a car? That's fucking awful... that's the stuff that makes me hate the world so much when I'm depressed....
... I have the willingness. I had the willingness before and STUCK WITH IT for weeks on end. Having done it then, at least I know I'm capable of doing it again... know what I mean :-)
just keep at it Gledwood, one day at a time, little by little, bit by bit. Look at how far you have come in your thinking, you've decided that certain things are good and others not, what is working for you and what doesn't. You are capable.
more than capable... my chemicals are producing pure poetry at the moment... my own personal ones and not drugs!! wow :-)
I hope that you do go to rehab. I think that it would make a big difference. It will be hard to kick this by yourself. Good luck though Gleds. I am hoping that this time you really do mean it.
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